May 19, 2022


Official Website Of Union Of Campus Journalits, University of Ilorin.

SATIRE: Being a Student Leader on campus

3 min read


Dear campus leader, I have, out of observation and painstaking necessity taken out time to write this short guide. I understand that I am not worthy, by office and purse, to instruct you on what to do. However, I pray you for forgiveness. Please overlook my gragra and do cast a look at what is to follow this paragraph. I have identified probable means through which you can easily coast your tenure to the end. I hope you find this useful.

You have been constituted by a divine authority and no power shall shift you, you shall be responsible to no one, you shall bow to no one except for your godfathers through whose help you have attained this office of leadership. Furthermore, you shall entertain no complaints about the failures of your tenure. No one is in such right. That means every member of your jurisdiction must be a loyal subject.

Do not call the congress. never, as the leader of a student association call the congress. You are the unequivocal paramount ruler of the realm and therefore, you shall spare no gathering for subjects. Never forget that your subjects who clowns under the name “congressmen” are mere noisemakers whose opinions doesn’t count in the ruling of your regime. Besides, most of them are stupid and not opinionated plus who democracy don ever epp? In your kindness, you can replace the congress with fortnight WhatsApp broadcasts so they don’t say ‘you no try at all’.

As part of your show of power as the unchallenged emperor, you must not publish the financial status of your association even if the constitution states otherwise. Remember that the constitution doesn’t bind you and that you’re bigger than every single code in that book.

In you infinite wisdom as the paramount ruler, you shall lend money to other bodies who share no affiliation to your association by your singular discretion regardless of the financial situation of your charge. It does not matter if the treasury is running dry. insofar you feel it is the right thing to do, it is the right thing to do.

Never forget that as soon as you’ve been sworn into office by the virtue of inauguration, you are no longer in the same Cadre as the regular students. This inauguration ceremony is a deep spiritual passage into authority and therefore you must begin to refer to your erstwhile colleagues as “my/our students” as the situation may apply. Do not forget to throw this phrase in public comnuniques or in meetings with the University management.

If you are the leader of parliament, do not reckon with the brilliant and opinionated members of your chamber. You are the incontrovertible head of legislature. God forbid the day any of them will speak in contradiction of your divine ideals. Award the loyalists the beefest positions, withdraw the stubborn ones from proceedings. You are the highest authority, do not ever forget.

If you are a parliament member, chop any CEC eye. Especially those who do not fall into your cabal. Raise motions to scrap their budgets especially if they are progressive and beneficial to the association. E no Mean. You have power, use this power. If you don’t use it, who will? You can also go any mile in getting evidence just to get anyone suspended. Do as your lordship pleases.

If at all you do anything that goes south, do not ever fret or show weakness in public. Never admit to mistakes or failures and if you will, please find tangible excuses like the hate speech bill or Mike Pence’s recent travel to Iraq to tie your failure around. If they quiz you about a failure in public tell them it’s from their own perspective. If any student journalist or writer dwells too much on your case, threaten to take their names to the highest places. No one should bother you.

Pèlúmi Sàlàkọ́ is a penultimate student of history and international studies at the University of Ilorin, Ilorin. He is the creative director at Yellowcab, an organization that is dedicated to Arts and literary promotion. He co-edits the Student Union Literary journal, Zango Review. His alter ego on Twitter is @Salakobabaa

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